Author Archives: Ching Yu Tan

Past: My Roots and My Broken Family pt. 2 (Lessons)

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In our last post “Past: My Roots and My Broken Family pt. 1” I shared with you my past, how I came from a broken family and the individuals that were affected by it. In this post I will be sharing with you how I managed to cope with loss and avoid depression, what were the fundamental issues that led up to my parents separation, understanding the differences in values and principles in each individual between my Dad and my Mom, and finally how with every upset there is an opportunity for growth. I will share with you how I handled it back then and currently with more knowledge and experience, I will share with you more ways to approach it.

During the time period where my parents were at the peak of their arguments, I used to be bothered by it – I kept feeling tangs of pain within my heart every time it happened, but eventually after a long period of time I got used to it or rather, I became numb of it all (except when I heard my Mom cry, it still hurts me). When that happened, I knew I had to bring myself back, it was not how I wanted to live my life. So I referred back to my self-development book, where the lessons struck closer to home amidst all of these issues surrounding my family. I understood the concept of being calm like water – no matter how much it is shaken, it will still be still. Compared to a can of cola, when shaken it will erupt. I knew that I had control over my choices, responses, and attitudes. Hence, I decided that I would be happy no matter what happens.

One of the things that helped keep me in that state was having an “I am..” list. Listing out the characteristics which I appreciated within myself, and the characteristics which I wanted to instil within myself. Some of the characteristics that were included in the list are such as: I am.. “Proactive, helpful, grateful., happy, a great listener, appreciated, loved, tolerant, etc..” I also had empowering or motivational quotes written to go along with the list. I stuck this list up on my cupboard, so that every time I woke up, I would recite the list to myself. What this does is that it helped me focus on who I am and wanted to be. My daily actions were driven by that list. You have to believe, be, and you will see it manifest in your life. You will become the person that you want to be.

This was how I coped with our loss and avoided going down the path of depression. I understood the concept of focusing on things that I can do something about, and not worry about things I cannot. I chose to focus my mind on bettering my life and finding ways to make me feel better. One of the easiest ways to get out of a negative state of mind is through our physical form, taking on physical activities. My activity of choice was dancing, which I will go into more deeply on how I got into it and the growth that it has brought to me as an individual in my future posts. Why does this help change our state as a whole? It is because essentially our mind, emotion, spirit, and body are one. Change one and you will be able to change the rest.

Next we will be looking at the fundamental issues that led to my parents’ separation. One of the primary reasons for a couple to separate is a breakdown in communication. In my parents case, as mentioned before my Dad was not one who really knew how to express himself. This included any issues he may have about the relationship, which my Mom cited as an issue. When an individual does not have open communication with their partner. Issues cannot be identified, and solutions to overcome them cannot be met together. I see it being repeated in my past relationships and in many others as well. However, once one comes to a realization of this issue, one has no excuse to repeat the same mistakes.

Essentially though, the main issue boils down to this: The needs of one or both partners are not being met. I am referring to the idea of human needs Psychology. Where for every individual that are 6 human needs:

  1. Certainty/Security
  2. Uncertainty/Variety
  3. Love/Connection
  4. Significance
  5. Growth
  6. Contribution

The first 4 are the needs of personality. The last 2 are the needs of the spirit. All of these needs has to be met, but for every individual there are usually 2 primary needs that dominate others. When these 2 primary needs are not met within the relationships, and on top of that there is a lacking with the other needs, the relationship is bound to hit choppy waters. Open communication will help identify the needs of each partner. What is important too is as an individual we have to be clear on what has to happen for us to feel that these needs are met. If we ourselves are not clear on how it can be met, how can our partner meet those needs? Even if they did, we would not be in a position to recognize it.

What are your primary needs? What has to happen for you to feel that these needs are being met? Do you know your partners needs? How are you and how can you meet your partners needs?

It is also important for us to understand that at the end of the day we all have different values and principles that drive our actions. What may be right for us, may not be right for others. What values and principles that we focus on the most, may not be the same main point of focus for others. There is no right or wrong essentially. The main issue is just a matter of whether the actions that we take – based on our values and principles are they constructive? or are they destructive? Are the actions of one sustainable in the long run? or does it come at a cost to the world or other individuals? In the case of the actions my Dad chose, it met his needs based on his values and principles, but it was not necessarily constructive and sustainable.

Finally, why did I say with every upset, there is an opportunity for growth? This is because, every time there is an upset, it is our spirit/ the universe/ God/ a higher power – whatever you can relate to best is telling us that there is a lesson to be learnt from this experience. The mistakes that we do and the situations we get into which we feel discomfort for are all holding important lessons for us to learn and grow from. If we do not recognize it and learn from it, it will just keep repeating itself. There are two ways individuals learn:

1. Learning from others mistakes and experiences
2. Be pushed to such a position of discomfort where it becomes a must to learn

Which one would you pick? Option 1 is why I share my experiences with you, so that you have the opportunity to learn from it and not have to go to option 2.

I hope that this post has been useful to you for your growth, thank you for reading and being open for growth. So what are the ideas that have helped you or rings true to you? Are there any of these ideas you would like me to go into further detail with? Leave your responses in the comment section or any of my other social media platforms.

Past: My Roots and My Broken Family pt. 1

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Do you have past experiences that have impacted you and driven you to be who you are today? Are there incidences which resonated so deeply within you that they have shaped your beliefs? Do you know individuals who may have come from a broken family?

Dear reader, this is the story of my past – how it was like growing up initially in a comfortable and happy family, but later on facing the storm and turbulence which eventually led to the breakup of my family. How this incident affected the individuals within the family unit, as well as how the breakup affected the extended family and those close to us.

Before the storm started brewing life was simple for me, as a kid everyday was just finding ways to have fun (after the dreaded time spent in school) and just enjoy life. As a family we would head out to weekly family dinners together at our favourite restaurant most of the time, the family favourite was Japanese food and it still is for me now. We also would spend time together going out to shopping malls just to do window shopping and buy groceries together. I used to love pushing the cart back then for the family, pretending to be a race car driver of sorts drifting down the aisles. Had annual holidays abroad as well, visiting various destinations around the world. We also celebrated Chinese New Year together with the family and extended family.

Life then was great with no worries, or so we thought. It was at the age of 13 years I picked up and started reading a book my mom passed to me awhile back, not realizing how this book and its knowledge would have played an essential role in who I am today and how it would help me go through the storm that is to come. This book helped me lay the solid foundation of my life. It ensured that my values and principles were all guided towards the right direction. It essentially allowed me to be strong enough to weather the storm, and right now it has allowed me to be open to the areas of self-development. All of the knowledge and experience I have gained in the past few years has been built upon that.

The storm finally started brewing; it was probably when I was 14 or 15 years old. What I remembered from the beginning of the issue was seeing my Mom receiving a call during one afternoon on a weekday, and she had a worried look on her face. Later on that day she started questioning my Dad about the call she received. My Dad shrugged it off and it seemed that everything was fine; my Mom did not seem to be bothered after the reassurance. It was only in the next few weeks when the storm really started, my Mom found a phone my Dad was hiding from her. She questioned him about it, and an argument ensued, causing a situation that would last for the next 3 to 4 years. My Dad was having outside interests.

For the next 3 to 4 years it was like a painful film playing over and over again. To see my Dad come back home from work to be met with my crying Mom who would have built up the frustration throughout the day, and let it all out on him when he was back. This would go on over dinner, where there would be an awkward silence amongst the family sitting around the table. Sometimes the issue crops up, but my Dad would play it down and the awkwardness continues. There would be some calm after dinner, where the family would just sit and watch TV. Later on in the night though when the family heads off to bed, the arguments would come up again and I could hear my mom crying all over again. This was daily life in my family, though there was a short-lived period of time where it seemed like the issue was resolved, but it wasn’t and the whole issue would come up again.

Along the years glasses would be shattered on the ground out of my Mom’s frustration and anger of the whole situation. The atmosphere was always tense within the household that it felt suffocating at times. As a child in that position, I always wanted to do something about the situation. I always wanted to just have my parents sit down together as a family and talk things through, but I did not have the courage or rather access to it back then to do so. To stand up and say something about the situation, to at least play my part and do something about it.

Throughout that period of time we lost touch of spending time as a family, the weekly dinners became less frequent. We still had outings at the shopping mall but with a sense of awkwardness. Family holidays became less frequent as well, even when we did it was awkward – like a mask was being put on throughout the trip pretending everything was fine. Family gatherings during Chinese New Year were awkward as well, there always was an underlying feeling that the problem was there and the extended family knew about it but did not want to bring it up. We were living a lie, putting a facade for the world to see as if our family was fine. Even for myself, my close friends back then did not know about the issues within my family, except only in recent years.

Then finally one midnight when I was 17 years old late in the year 2007, I remember it as the week before my high school SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia) exams or a GCSE equivalent that was necessary for my entrance to college. I heard an argument ensue between my Mom and Dad. I was in my bed then, I heard bags being packed up, doors slamming, and finally my Dad’s car pulling out of the driveway. That would be the last time he stayed in our home. I could hear my Mom walking up the staircase, towards my bedroom. She came in with tears in her eyes, sat by my bed and hugged me. She told me about the situation. I do not recall saying anything then, but just hugging her and consoling her. We said good night and expressed our love for each other and went back to bed. Before I fell asleep I could still hear my Mom crying.

After the separation of my parents, the family dynamics in terms of the extended family became awkward. There was a sense of awkwardness during traditional gatherings like paying our respects to the dead or even Chinese New Year gatherings. It has been awhile since the separation that I experienced a family gathering for Chinese New Year, one that felt good before the separation and issue cropped up. It is one of the experiences I miss the most, just enjoying the company of my aunt, uncle, and cousins over a Chinese New Year gathering. Slowly barriers were set up between me & my Mom and the extended family on my Dad’s side.

In the weeks and months to come, I would hear my Mom talking with friends and relatives on the phone, crying her heart out. Eventually I graduated from high school, I moved out of the house and my home town to go down to Subang Jaya, Malaysia to further my studies in college. My Mom at that the beginning of my college days was still feeling depressed, but as time went on she got stronger. Then she finally decided to move out of our old home as it had a lot of painful memories attached to it. It felt big and empty (we lived in a double story semi-detached house with both a front yard and a back yard) especially when I was not around. This was during early 2009 when I was 19 years old. After coming to her decision, she moved in to a condominium, where she felt a lot better and was then in a position to grow out of that depressing state of despair. Life started to look better for her where she started meeting good friends and tapped into her spiritual side for growth. More on this will be covered in my future posts.

Little has been mentioned about my Dad’s side, because as you can probably tell by now, I am closer to my Mom. My relationship with my Dad before and after the separation of my parents was indifferent, because we were not close nor did we really feel connected in the first place. My Dad did not really express his love towards the family. No doubt he is a good provider supporting my education all the way, as well as still supporting my Mom financially for a period of time after the separation, but in terms of expressing himself, not so much.

So what were the effects of the entire situation?
The family was split up, extended family members did not know what to do and whether to take sides or not. I grew closer to my Mom and the relationship between me and my Dad was indifferent as we were not close to begin with but I hold no resentment towards him.

Now take a deep breath, and let it go. In my next post I will share with you the lessons learnt from this entire experience: Coping with loss, coping with depression, what were the fundamental issues that led up to my parents separation, understanding differences in values and principles in each individual, and how with every upset there is an opportunity for growth. Thank you for reading up to this point, it is important for me to share with you this story so that you will be able to get a better understanding of where I am coming from and understand better the lessons I have to share.

Do share your thoughts about this story by leaving a comment.