In our last post “Past: My Roots and My Broken Family pt. 1” I shared with you my past, how I came from a broken family and the individuals that were affected by it. In this post I will be sharing with you how I managed to cope with loss and avoid depression, what were the fundamental issues that led up to my parents separation, understanding the differences in values and principles in each individual between my Dad and my Mom, and finally how with every upset there is an opportunity for growth. I will share with you how I handled it back then and currently with more knowledge and experience, I will share with you more ways to approach it.
During the time period where my parents were at the peak of their arguments, I used to be bothered by it – I kept feeling tangs of pain within my heart every time it happened, but eventually after a long period of time I got used to it or rather, I became numb of it all (except when I heard my Mom cry, it still hurts me). When that happened, I knew I had to bring myself back, it was not how I wanted to live my life. So I referred back to my self-development book, where the lessons struck closer to home amidst all of these issues surrounding my family. I understood the concept of being calm like water – no matter how much it is shaken, it will still be still. Compared to a can of cola, when shaken it will erupt. I knew that I had control over my choices, responses, and attitudes. Hence, I decided that I would be happy no matter what happens.
One of the things that helped keep me in that state was having an “I am..” list. Listing out the characteristics which I appreciated within myself, and the characteristics which I wanted to instil within myself. Some of the characteristics that were included in the list are such as: I am.. “Proactive, helpful, grateful., happy, a great listener, appreciated, loved, tolerant, etc..” I also had empowering or motivational quotes written to go along with the list. I stuck this list up on my cupboard, so that every time I woke up, I would recite the list to myself. What this does is that it helped me focus on who I am and wanted to be. My daily actions were driven by that list. You have to believe, be, and you will see it manifest in your life. You will become the person that you want to be.
This was how I coped with our loss and avoided going down the path of depression. I understood the concept of focusing on things that I can do something about, and not worry about things I cannot. I chose to focus my mind on bettering my life and finding ways to make me feel better. One of the easiest ways to get out of a negative state of mind is through our physical form, taking on physical activities. My activity of choice was dancing, which I will go into more deeply on how I got into it and the growth that it has brought to me as an individual in my future posts. Why does this help change our state as a whole? It is because essentially our mind, emotion, spirit, and body are one. Change one and you will be able to change the rest.
Next we will be looking at the fundamental issues that led to my parents’ separation. One of the primary reasons for a couple to separate is a breakdown in communication. In my parents case, as mentioned before my Dad was not one who really knew how to express himself. This included any issues he may have about the relationship, which my Mom cited as an issue. When an individual does not have open communication with their partner. Issues cannot be identified, and solutions to overcome them cannot be met together. I see it being repeated in my past relationships and in many others as well. However, once one comes to a realization of this issue, one has no excuse to repeat the same mistakes.
Essentially though, the main issue boils down to this: The needs of one or both partners are not being met. I am referring to the idea of human needs Psychology. Where for every individual that are 6 human needs:
- Certainty/Security
- Uncertainty/Variety
- Love/Connection
- Significance
- Growth
- Contribution
The first 4 are the needs of personality. The last 2 are the needs of the spirit. All of these needs has to be met, but for every individual there are usually 2 primary needs that dominate others. When these 2 primary needs are not met within the relationships, and on top of that there is a lacking with the other needs, the relationship is bound to hit choppy waters. Open communication will help identify the needs of each partner. What is important too is as an individual we have to be clear on what has to happen for us to feel that these needs are met. If we ourselves are not clear on how it can be met, how can our partner meet those needs? Even if they did, we would not be in a position to recognize it.
What are your primary needs? What has to happen for you to feel that these needs are being met? Do you know your partners needs? How are you and how can you meet your partners needs?
It is also important for us to understand that at the end of the day we all have different values and principles that drive our actions. What may be right for us, may not be right for others. What values and principles that we focus on the most, may not be the same main point of focus for others. There is no right or wrong essentially. The main issue is just a matter of whether the actions that we take – based on our values and principles are they constructive? or are they destructive? Are the actions of one sustainable in the long run? or does it come at a cost to the world or other individuals? In the case of the actions my Dad chose, it met his needs based on his values and principles, but it was not necessarily constructive and sustainable.
Finally, why did I say with every upset, there is an opportunity for growth? This is because, every time there is an upset, it is our spirit/ the universe/ God/ a higher power – whatever you can relate to best is telling us that there is a lesson to be learnt from this experience. The mistakes that we do and the situations we get into which we feel discomfort for are all holding important lessons for us to learn and grow from. If we do not recognize it and learn from it, it will just keep repeating itself. There are two ways individuals learn:
1. Learning from others mistakes and experiences
2. Be pushed to such a position of discomfort where it becomes a must to learn
Which one would you pick? Option 1 is why I share my experiences with you, so that you have the opportunity to learn from it and not have to go to option 2.
I hope that this post has been useful to you for your growth, thank you for reading and being open for growth. So what are the ideas that have helped you or rings true to you? Are there any of these ideas you would like me to go into further detail with? Leave your responses in the comment section or any of my other social media platforms.